hotel room ftw
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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