dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
