you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
