i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
