who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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