yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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