and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
