That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
