So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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