I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
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you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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