I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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