I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
