i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
