I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
