I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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