I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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