Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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