I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
