Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
