I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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