My liver just broke up with me...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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