I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
