You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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