took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
