After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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