Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
