Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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