i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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