the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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