At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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