A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
