You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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