my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.