I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
