I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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