your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
