I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
