but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
