I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
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