he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
