Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
dude. I can hear the air.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
