Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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