I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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