We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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