I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
