everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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