When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
