i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
