last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
