real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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