should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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