I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
