it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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